Christian College

My new article on "Christian College" is up @ http://www.cracked.com/funny-2686-christian-college/

New Article

Here is the new Article I wrote for Cracked.com about the show "Glee" http://www.cracked.com/funny-555-glee21/

Article I wrote for Cracked.com

Read it and spread it around so I make money.

http://bit.ly/4a9Ml

You dont believe in luck because youre an ass.

I hate it when people say "I don't believe in luck" because its always condescending and they cant back it up. Its always something to do with God and how everything happens for a reason. Saying "I don't believe in luck" is saying "I don't believe in random coincidences that benefit me." No, they happen, just like ones that do not benefit you. We aren't saying it's magic, or the laws of attraction (different group of jack-offs completely). If everything happens for a reason you were supposed to read this and question if everything happens for a reason. Got yourself into a bit of a paradox now don't you? Other things I hate when I hear them "I'm not book smart but I'm street smart" to me that's saying "I'm dumb and I'm OK with it, and you should be too. Now lets have a conversation where I have absolutely nothing of substance to add." And the best one is, "I'm a really sexual person." If a girl has ever said that to you here is what it really meant, "I have burned through a ton of dick...and some vagina."

Younger Girls

I want to date an eighteen year old. Not in a pervert way but someone who isnt a slut trying to sit on every dick like its a park bench after a marathon. Eighteen year olds havent run as many marathons is all Im saying...

Movie Reviews Based On The Trailer

The Stepfather: Oh shit he shaved and now the cops dont know who he is...saw it in the fugitive bitches!

Toy Story 3: Prolly gonna be awesome, is this a christmas day release? Lemme know my jew friends.

Law Abiding Citizen: A merging of "Taken" and "Ray" Gonna be awesome!

Saw VI: We get it! You kill people in intricate ways. Who knew the game "Mousetrap" would have six movies.

Astroboy: Whatever...

Where The Wild Things Are: A young boy starts to have sexual relations with some sort of monster...so played out...

Paranormal Activity: A movie about audience reactions to scary movies.

How To Seduce Difficult Women: Didnt bother watching the trailer...assuming this can be renamed "Rape"

Michael Jackson: This is it: See review of "Where The Wild Things Are".

Promo Video

Death Trap

So Josh and I hooked up the bands trailer to my nitro and were on our way to pick up Ben so that we could start getting all my crap in storage and the trailer came off the hitch and smashed into the back of my car on the 101 in Hollywood. We lived!

Tour Soon

My creative partner and I are going to go out and do about 10 to 15 minutes of comedy before my friends band on their "Shit Happens" tour. Here are the dates.


Jun 25 2009
7:00P
The Mixtape Cafe & Music Venue W/ Cash Cash and Valencia
Grand Rapids, Michigan

Jun 26 2009
6:30P
Xtreme Wheels Skatepark W/ Cash Cash and Valencia
Buffalo

Jun 27 2009
6:00P
Diesel W/ Cash Cash and Valencia
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania

Jun 28 2009
8:00P
Crocodile Rock W/ Cash Cash and Valencia
Allentown

Jun 30 2009
6:30P
Recher Theatre W/ Cash Cash and Valencia
Towson, Maryland

Jul 1 2009
5:45P
Highline Ballroom W/ Cash Cash and Valencia
New York, New York

Jul 2 2009
6:30P
The Trocadero W/ Cash Cash and Valencia
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Jul 3 2009
6:00P
The Chance W/ Cash Cash and Valencia
Poughkeepsie, New York

Jul 5 2009
6:00P
The Eldolyn Terrace W/ Cash Cash and Valencia
Altoona, Pennsylvania

Jul 6 2009
6:00P
The Norva W/ Cash Cash and Valencia
Norfolk, Virginia

Jul 7 2009
7:00P
The Brewery W/ Cash Cash and Valencia
Raleigh, North Carolina

Jul 8 2009
7:00P
New Brookland Tavern W/ Cash Cash and Valencia
Columbia, South Carolina

Jul 10 2009
6:30P
The High Ground W/ Cash Cash and Valencia
Metairie

Jul 11 2009
7:00P
Java Jazz W/ Cash Cash and Valencia
Houston, Texas

Jul 12 2009
6:30P
Incubator W/ Cash Cash and Valencia
McAllen, Texas

Jul 13 2009
8:00P
White Rabbit W/ Cash Cash and Valencia
San Antonio, Texas

Jul 14 2009
6:30P
The Door W/ Cash Cash and Valencia
Dallas, Texas

Jul 15 2009
6:30P
The Marquee W/ Cash Cash and Valencia
Tulsa, Oklahoma

Jul 17 2009
7:00P
Boney Junes W/ Cash Cash and Valencia
Evansville, Indiana

Jul 18 2009
6:30P
Turners W/ Cash Cash and Valencia
Fort Wayne, Indiana

Jul 19 2009
8:30P
Peabody’s DownUnder W/ Cash Cash and Valencia
Cleveland

Jul 20 2009
6:45P
Bulldog Cafe W/ Cash Cash and Valencia
Louisville, Kentucky

Jul 21 2009
6:45P
Rocketown W/ Cash Cash and Valencia
Nashville, Tennessee

Jul 23 2009
7:15P
Jack Rabbits W/ Cash Cash and Valencia
Jacksonville, Florida

Click on the venue name to get tickets.

Hey Dummy, Stop It!

I used to be a tech admin for Geek Squad before I ran away to California to be a comedian and let me tell you…stupid doesn’t recognize state lines. Back in good ol’ Michigan we had a lady come in and ask us if we could fix her computer because it was “possessed” and we of course thought she had made an error in her terminology. Our response was “Do you mean it has a virus?” and she said “No, I took it to my priest already but he told me to bring it to you.” Now this wasn’t a clever ruse on her part to mess with us, she truly believed this to be the case. Long story short we checked it in and fixed it. I tell you this story because my astonishment never ceases at how dumb people can be, even here, in California. So let me talk to my fellow L.A. citizens here (and if you are in another state and this applies to you then go ahead and put it into action). Learn to fucking drive! If you are on the expressway go ahead and keep going the speed limit even if there is a bend in the road ahead, the highway monster isn’t going to pop out and get you…that’s a myth. If someone in the other lane is braking, you can go ahead and not brake! Crazy right?! I mean the other lane is slowing down so you should also, I mean its only logical. If someone is slowing down next to you then something crazy must be happening ahead and we don’t want any part of that nonsense. Actually no nonsense is going on ahead, most likely what happened is someone all the way in the far right lane slowed to exit and then someone in the lane next to them slowed and then that thinking trickled down all the way to the person in front of me in the far left lane who has no one in front of them. Next on the agenda: it’s called a turn signal asshole, use that shit! Rain, lets talk about it! If you live in California and you don’t understand the concept of rain and you just have to drive like a total dick and clog the entire expressway just don’t leave the house. I know it will be tough because you have a busy day of fuckin up everyone else’s shit and need to get to work but just call in “stupid” to work that day. If you want to site see buy a bike, don’t take a car out and drive slow just to get a good look at that new McDonalds that went up in your town. If you can follow these rules you are well on your way to a great productive driving lifestyle. If you cant then I implore you, please dummy stop driving!

Time to kill?

Watch "The Line"

From Crackle: The Line, Ep 1: The FutureSpace Showdown Begins

From Crackle: The Line, Ep 2: The Five-Minute Rule

From Crackle: The Line, Ep 3: The Spoiler

From Crackle: The Line, Ep.4: Father and Son Time

From Crackle: The Line, Ep.5: Moon Dagger

From Crackle: The Line, Ep.6: Opening Night

From Crackle: The Line, Ep.7: The End of The Line

Upright Citizens Brigade

I have a show tomorrow, or today rather I guess. Monday March 30th at 7pm @ UCBLA. Come see a comedy show for 5 bucks.

Show this Saturday! Come hang out! Its freebies!

The YouTube's

So there are some old sketches on here that I kept because the general idea's were fine (lying) but I still hate them. I should post some new stuff (prolly not). I also made some (most) of them private because I hate them with such passion I didnt want them to ruin my comedy career (non-existant). It was weird because we had a following in High Schools and kids would quote us and I was flattered (didnt care) but at the same time felt bad because these poor kids (dummys) were supporting shitty comedy (minus the comedy). If I do record and post new videos it will most likely be with Vimeo because you can put stuff on there in HD which makes me giddy (hard). I have some stuff in the works with people more established than myself (easy to do) so hopefully sometime this summer Ill put some new stuff up (porn).

Come to a show!

If youre in Hollywood Ill be at Upright Citizens Brigade tomorrow night @ 7pm ($5) and the following saturday at iO West @ 9pm (dont know the cost) So come hang out and enjoy comedy (long form improv) bitches!

Its been awhile...

So I havent used this in sometime. I have some other blogs I use but made them private so this is now the public one. Im also going to be starting a podcast soon (seperate from the one that I do on my phone where I just call them in while on the road) so thats another reason to use this. So be on the look out ya lil jerks!